The Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. " --Teddy Roosevelt

The first time I saw this speech it was tattooed on a some guy's back. I thought, that's commitment.

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things." Henry Miller

This is a tough entry to write because I have decided to leave Panama and the Peace Corps and return home. There is no single reason for this decision. I am disappointed in myself because I could not fulfill the committent, and I feel I have disappointed the staff, my fellow volunteers, and my friends and family who were rooting me on. The long and the short is that I had been questioning myself for weeks, maybe longer, and wondering if I was meant to be here. In the year-long application process I felt confident that I was meant to be in the Peace Corps. I felt this service would help define my life and give me new opportunities. I was stoked on the possibility to travel.
Since I have been here, however, I was struggling to be happy and to maintain a positive outlook on the immense challenges of a volunteer. In recent weeks, I was searching for any sign to reassure that I was doing the right thing here. Unfortunately, all the signals I received seemed to reveal the opposite to me. Last week was a series of low points that I can't discuss here because of some security issues. I realized that I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. My APCD and other support staff have been incredibly kind and professional to me and offered me a site change. I declined though because my heart is just not in it. To be a good volunteer, you have to give a hundred percent and I don't think I could do that now. I respect the Peace Corps organization too much to half-ass my service.
I am leaving with a clear conscience. I worked hard while I was here. I honestly feel like this experience is not meant to be for me. Or maybe this is the experience I was meant to have. In five months, I have obviously accomplished very little from a professional standpoint. Personally, I have learned a lot about myself. I have definitely been humbled by this. Obviously, I am not a mentally tough as I thought I was coming into this. I am ridiculously homesick. I miss good food, good music, my loved ones, my dogs, surfing (since I didn't surf once here). I know this is a great opportunity and most would think I am stupid to waste it. Honestly, my soul feels lighter than it has been in a while. Maybe I am too selfish for noble service professions. I was miserable teaching and I haven't been much happier here. I know this is an incredible opportunity and I was lucky to have it, but I don't think this will be the last good opportunity in my life. Thus, the Man in the Arena speech-I tried, I failed, time to move on. The thing is I have only failed in my goals here. If I can take anything from this, I know when I get home I will savor every drop of life. Every second with my loved ones, every good meal, every wave, every experience I have will be richer now because I will not take anything for granted. I have seen the darkness of my soul here and it was a difficult glimpse into my own isolation. I was simply not tough enough to be a Peace Corps volunteer. But I am ready to rise from the ashes and take the next step in life. I am not the first person to fail at something and I won't be the last. Things simply don't feel right here for me. That is probably too abstract for an explanation, but it is true. Bottom line: life is too short to be unhappy. The next destination awaits...nos vemos for now.

A new one

I have been derelict in my blogging duties lately. I am just going to give this entry a little spontaneous prose delivery because there are a lot of things to write about and I do not have pictures to back me up. Since last time I have, in no particular order, practiced espanol (a given), worked on the finca, encountered the very venomous viper equis or fer de lance, took part in holding a pig down while he was castrated, dove successfully for lobster, dove unsuccessfully for lobster, lost my camera, found my camera, visited Portobelo, visited Panama, read some books, started construction on my casa (kind of), came up with some project ideas (maybe), became more familiar with my community and fished and ate some fish and ate a lot of rice. By a lot I mean that parts of China are now barren because of me and my host family´s rice consumption. Speaking of rice, I watched my neighbor take the dried, harvested rice and use a pilon (a huge pestil and mortar made of wood) to clean the rice down to its white grain. No, my neighbor´s name is not Uncle Ben.
My first excuse for not keeping up with the blog (other than the fact I have to travel 2+ hours for internet) was I thought my camera was lost/stolen however it was just misplaced in my APCD´s office. I have since tried to post pictures but internet service is sketchy at best here, but coming soon: the organic garden, fishing pics, including one of the 18 pound snook Jose caught last night and I deep fried Southern style, no grits, though, so it was not quite complete. Pictures of Portobelo, and hopefully pictures of constructing my house, which was delayed this weekend because the guy with the saw was too drunk to cut me some beams.
I have read some books, some good books. I have not been avoiding assimilating into the culture, however because of rain or cancelled meetings or whatever, some days I have nothing to do but sit in a hammock and read a book and yes hammocks and books go together like chocolate and peanut butter, delicious. I am going to give a short list of what I liked, because I like the existential aspect of you reading about what I am reading. The Art of Racing in the Rain, great book about loving a dog and racing Ferraris and fighting for your integrity. The Magus, this book blew my mind, I can´t describe it. All the Pretty Horses, Cormac McCarthy is a genius of American literature ´nuff said. East of Eden, ditto for John Steinbeck but I think that is understood. Coronado by Dennis Lehane, I am giving props to a fellow Eckerd College alum, but he really shows his range with short stories and a play. I read the Alchemist entirely in Spanish, that was a challenge but a good one. I´m trying to read more in Spanish, right now I´m struggling through Old Man and the Sea. And yes I know the titles should be underlined but blogger does not have that text option, as for the other errors of grammar and syntax, it´s spontaneous prose, c´mon.
I have been diving (thanks to mom and dad for sending masks). This has enabled me to see the marine environment better and the reefs are in trouble here. There is some good diving but most of the time I am just imagining what the reefs must have looked like twenty years ago. However, the silver lining is that a non-profit org. is doing some miraculous work with reef restoration and they want to partner and train Peace Corps volunteers. I think my community would be perfect for this, but I´ll keep everyone posted on how it develops. Other project news: I am going to work on a nature trail with the school and I am helping ANAM with the Beach Clean-up day on 26 Sept.
That´s all the rambling I have in me for now. I´ll try to have pictures soon. PEACE.